well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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