did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
