When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize