He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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