I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
