4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
