My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize