i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
