Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize