she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
