My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize