wanna go halves on a baby?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
