He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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