my phone needs a breathalizer
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
