Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
