I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
