He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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