i just made my gag reflex go away.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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