I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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