I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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