I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
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