it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
