just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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