I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
