My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize