I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
