my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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