I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
