I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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