I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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