If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
