By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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