An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
