is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize