Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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