I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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