2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
