I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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