..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
