So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
