You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
