I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
