The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
