Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
