I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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