My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
