Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
