If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
