Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We have so much sex to catch up on
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I have fence marks all over my body
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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