Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
