Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
