I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
