I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The struggles of a small town man whore
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
