I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
