sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
