That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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