i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
