Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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