i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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