Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
