Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
