It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
